Tuesday, April 03, 2007

I have to admit that today I’m a little discouraged. I long to say with confidence that NEXT month we’ll meet our daughter, but I’ve been disappointed SO many times throughout this process that I’m afraid to even hope. 20 months ago this week we sent in our initial application to our agency. That’s just WAY too long to be pregnant, even in the paper sense. I think what scares me the most is that I feel my faith in God’s timing wavering a little. In my head I know that He loves me and will accomplish His best for our family, which is always better than any plan I could orchestrate for myself. My heart, however, wonders if I’ll still be able to call that plan “good” if we don’t travel until June. We’ve already waited a week longer than all but one family who has adopted from Reagan’s province. If we don’t hear that her paperwork has moved onto Hanoi inside the next few weeks, May travel will become less and less likely. Our agency seems confident that we’ll be hearing good news soon, but they were also pretty sure we’d wait 1-3 months for a referral. We actually waited 4 ½. Compared to the wait now, we were very fortunate, but the disappointment wears on you. We have been on the long end, or past the long end, of every timeframe we’ve been given thus far. You would think I’d just accept that each successive step would follow the same pattern, but I can’t help but hope for the best.
Okay, now I’m starting to sound a bit whiney. That’s not good. I know all you adoptive moms out there will sympathize with what I’m feeling though, and I’m grateful to have this avenue for sharing what I’m sure are not uncommon thoughts. Even those of you who haven’t adopted can pray, and today I need it. I’m not even sure what to pray for anymore, so hopefully those of you godly readers will be willing to speak to God with more clarity and wisdom than I can. I want to pray, “Lord, bring her home TODAY!” I know I should pray “Lord, bring her home in Your perfect time” but I’m afraid. Afraid that His time just might be longer than my heart can bear. So for now I’ll just pray that He’ll continue to take care of her, and give me the patience to endure with more joy than I’m feeling right now.

12 comments:

rachel said...

It's SO hard and painful. It's hard to pray for GOD's timing when you want it NOW. I'll keep you in my prayers...keep the faith!

Dan and Elisabeth said...

I am praying for you. This is just so hard! The Lord does have perfect timing, it is just sometimes hard to understand.

KelleyO said...

I am praying for you! Hang in there sweetie!

Kim said...

Oh, Laura, I really do feel for you. I have been right there! We will pray for you. We will pray that God will give you peace and help you with the wait.

Christina said...

The waiting is SO hard. And it really does test your faith at times. As I read your post I thought of Romans 5:1-5 ...
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Praying for you as you wait and hope.

Nadra said...

The wait is MISERABLE. The feelings you are having are normal. While all the entire process certainly does test our faith, in the end it makes us grow stonger by leaning more and more on our Father. All of these things you know in your head...it's the heart that aches and isn't so sure.

Praying that God will give you peace and comfort.

Sending hugs your way from Oklahoma.

Nadra

Heather and Michael said...

It'll happen. It REALLY WILL! The wait is very hard and there's not much to make it feel better. You WILL hear good news soon! Keep your chin up.

Scott and Leslie said...

We (adoptive families) can relate to how your feeling and it down right STINKS! Hang in there! We'll keep our fingers crossed that there is news soon!

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry, Laura. Like Rachel said, this process is hard and painful. I know there will be "joy in the morning," but the nighttime sure does get long sometimes. Praying for you,

JoanP

Our Family said...

Can I just say, "me too." It has to happen soon.

Dianna said...

Whine as much as you need to. We all understand. I hope you hear good news very soon.

Margie said...

Hold tight,my baby girl--next year at this time we'll be wondering why we doubted. In the meantime...could Alyssa and Parker come spend the night with Gaga and Papa tonight--I couldn't find you on your cell phone!
Love, Mom