Saturday, March 24, 2007

So I’ve been thinking lately about why it is that I’m so anxious to pick up Reagan. Of course she is my daughter in so many ways, but I know it will be some time before my affection for her will rival that which I have for Alyssa and Parker. I don’t know her at all, so the love I have for her is more in my head at this point than in my heart. That isn’t to say that my heart doesn’t ache for her, or that I don’t long to hold her, but I don’t miss her in the same way I would if one of the children I already know intimately were taken from me. Is that bad? I don’t think my feelings are totally out of the ordinary. Based on what I’ve gleaned from other adoptive moms it seems that while the unconditional love one has for any of your children exists almost immediately, the emotional bond takes time.
In addition to the love factor, I’m also trying to learn to enjoy my life as it is without Reagan. I liken it to those who are overly anxious to get married. Singleness is a gift – whether you have it until age 25 or for a lifetime, it is a gift to be grateful for, not wished away. Singleness brings opportunities for service within the church and freedom that don’t exist within marriage. Not that marriage isn’t wonderful, and I wouldn’t trade Dan for the world, but I wish I been more faithful to the call to use my singleness for God’s glory. In the same way, I need to make the most of my time with only 2 children. Alyssa and Parker are such a blast! They are easy to have around, are becoming more and more independent every day, and can go just about anywhere. I know that having a baby home will change some of that. I will still be determined to get out (most) every day, but a quick stop at the grocery store will be an even more distant memory. Solid nights of sleep will be more rare. A three-hour chunk of (nap!) time each afternoon to get stuff done will no longer be all mine. We’ll be sharing our life and home with a child who doesn’t know us, our country, our habits, our smell – anything about us!
So, while I love Reagan and can’t wait to bring her home, I think I’m becoming more realistic about what that will mean for all of us. I know from experience that another child in our lives will bring unspeakable joy, but also some very real challenges. I’m learning to trust God’s timing and trust His perfect plan for our family… whatever that might be!


Anonymous said...

These are good, realistic thoughts you are having. :-) That parent-child bond really does grow slowly - or at least it does for us. I mean, I loved Zeeb even before I met him, but there's a love that comes from knowing your child inside and out and that takes time.
And yeah, sometimes I miss all the free time and sleep I had before he came home. But not too much. :-)

Casey said...

Laura, you are wise beyond words! As a mommy of both homegrown and adopted children, I can tell you only one thing: God will take care of it all. I am BEYOND thankful for that! In the meantime, you are right to enjoy the children you have in your presence. Life will soon change for your family and you'll never be able to get this time back. Enjoy life in the moment the best you can. (Easier said than done, I know!)

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you said that. I have found that lately, while I am anxious to go get our little boy, I am also more content in the wait. It isn't a dread of the changes at all--just a realization that there are things we are doing right now that would be rough on him or we would have to stop prematurely. These are opportunities we don't normally have, and that won't last too much longer. So I am thankful we can do them, and look forward to bringing Sam home hopefully very soon afterwards.

I will have to say that this week, with our kids out of school for spring break, that I really missed Sam, even though we don't have him yet. I kept thinking how much he would enjoy the time outdoors we had, and how much fun the two little boys would have had playing outside together.