Laura, the black sheep

Since we’ve come home from Vietnam, I feel a little like a black sheep. For the last year I have been actively involved in an on-line forum sponsored by our agency to bring together prospective adoptive parents. It has been a great source of support and information, but since I’ve dared to post something less-than-100% positive about my agency, I’ve become somewhat of an outcast. I’ve not been attacked outright, but just little jabs here and there have let me know that it’s really not okay to go against the flow. All of which I totally understand. Over the past 2 years I have defended my agency countless times against well-meaning people who don’t understand the process or the lengths to which agencies must go in order to ensure adoptions take place in the most ethical manner. It’s a lot like criticism against a family member: You can be annoyed to death with your sister/grandpa/uncle/mom, but you’ll defend them to the end against a stranger who might say something disparaging. So I really don’t blame these ladies for getting their feathers ruffled. Some of their comments are probably even my fault, since I’ve never really sat down to tell the whole story of our last few days in Vietnam. Perhaps some people have gotten a wrong impression of what we went through and how exactly everything transpired. So here’s our story…
When we started the process with Vietnam, we were told to expect to spend 15-18 days in country. Since then, we had adjusted our expectations toward the longer end of that time frame, while still hoping that some miracle might bring us back to our two older children sooner. We were, of course, thrilled then when just days into our trip Dillon presented us with a new schedule that would take us back to the 15 days. While they were clear that the schedule was in fact tentative, they said we would know for sure by Tuesday, May 22nd whether or not we had the Thursday appointment at the U.S. Embassy (which was necessary for a Friday departure). So, when we saw our agency’s staff Tuesday morning, we were excited to be told that we did have an appointment for Thursday and could go ahead and change our tickets to come home Friday. We tried repeatedly to confirm that fact with our agency’s lawyer in Vietnam, but he was unavailable. So we changed our tickets, told our families, and pointed our noses toward home. Imagine then our disappointment when at a dinner that night, we were told we did NOT have an appointment for Thursday, but Friday instead. I'm not saying that anyone from our agency lied to us, but there obviously was a miscommunication, and a devestating one at that. Knowing that with the Memorial day weekend we would not then be able to pick up the visa until Tuesday, and also knowing there were no flights available on Tuesday or Wednesday, we instantly felt a little trapped in this lovely, though very foreign, country. We loved our time in Vietnam, but by that point we were ready to go home and unite our now-complete family. Another week, full of no official business other than waiting for what was literally a 30 second “interview” at a bank-teller-type window, would also mean spending at least another $2,000. The most frustrating part for us was the fact that our agency requested a “Thursday OR Friday” interview, without even considering asking for one on Tuesday or Wednesday – free days designated for travel and sightseeing. We would have been willing to let our agency try to fix their mistake, but instead their response was “Sorry, it’s out of our control.” Our intent was not to remove Reagan from the land of her birth as quickly as possible, but rather to unite her with the family who had been loving and praying for her for 2 years as soon as practical. We thoroughly enjoyed Vietnam and look forward to someday showing Reagan just what an incredible country she came from. The people were beautiful and incredibly friendly and we took literally thousands of pictures trying to document all that we experienced on her behalf. However, she is far too young to have any sense of what her homeland is - her world changed as much as she could comprehend the moment we left the orphanage. She is old enough, though, to appreciate the love of her siblings, grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles, the medical care, and the consistency of a schedule and environment, which we could not provide for her while in Vietnam. All of that, and the fact that our agency’s staff in the States virtually hung up on me when I asked for their help, prompted us to venture out on our own. Since by the time we received the bad news we had only about 12 hours to try to work something out for Thursday, and the Embassy was already closed for the night, we decided to call our congressman. Though a stranger to us, and holding no political clout of our own, his office was incredibly helpful and sweet. Based on the promise that we would bring Reagan in to meet all of them, they wrote a 2 sentence e-mail asking if the U.S. Embassy could squeeze in one more appointment on Thursday instead of Friday. It turns out that was a scheduling change the Embassy was happy to accommodate, and in fact, everyone at there and at the Consulate was very friendly toward us. They even made space on Thursday for the other 5 families we were traveling with, as well as several other families from other agencies who were just sitting around at the Embassy hoping for an interview. So Reagan’s visa was, by God’s grace, ready for us on Friday, we went straight from the Embassy to the airport, and by Friday night we were sleeping in our own home with three of the most precious children in the beds down the hall.

Clearly God’s hand was in all of this. He was in control of each little detail and disappointment, and we would still be confident of that fact even if things didn’t work out as we had hoped. However, we were glad to get on that plane and into the waiting arms of Alyssa and Parker! We’re also glad that we didn’t just sit back and trust our agency, as we had for the previous two years. Generally, I think our agency does a fabulous job. I will forever be grateful for their work in bringing us to Reagan, but a little disillusioned about their travel processes and staff. I firmly believe that with a few minor adjustments to the process we could have been home even sooner with far less stress. There is, of course, value in spending time in your child’s birth country, but travel time and expense is a huge factor in many families’ decision to adopt or not. A shorter stay might persuade more people like us to welcome a foreign child into their home. We were diligent to see as much as we possibly could of Reagan’s homeland, spending very little time in our room, taking every possible side trip. Of course we didn’t see all that we wanted or hoped to see, but I lived in Israel for 4 months and still missed stuff. We were there long enough to get a great sense of what her life might have been like, and to develop an appetite to return some day. I believe that keeping families away from home and family any longer than necessary is a disservice to those individuals and potentially adoptable children. In our case, if we hadn’t stepped out, we would have been gone an extra week simply because our agency was unwilling to try to correct their mistakes. I know that others have stayed in country much longer. I know we probably look a little spoiled to them. But I also know that this process is constantly changing – especially since Vietnam is still a relatively new program. Even our agency’s staff has changed. Many of the same players are still in place, but they are far busier with an every-growing caseload. They seemed to be doing the best they could, but were limited by time and language to be able to accomplish the best result. Another recent change is that up until about a month ago the agencies’ hands were tied by the Embassy. In the past, visa interviews were only granted on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Now that appointments are available 5 days a week, agencies need to re-think their processes and adjust their schedules for the good of the parents, children, and adoption community. We in no way believe that our course of action has made things any more difficult for those following in our footsteps. Rather, I hope that our story will inspire other families to think outside the box and change the process for the better.