Gotcha!

May 15, 2007 is a day forever seared in my memory, for it is the day that a baby girl named Thao Van became our Reagan. That hot, sticky Tuesday morning in a remote town on the South China Sea, we gathered with two other families in a Vietnamese government building to pledge to love and care for the children that had been entrusted to us. The ceremony itself was not remarkable, but it was the culmination of almost two years of praying, paper-chasing, hoping, waiting, and loving a girl we did not yet know. By God's grace, she seemed accepting of us, if not yet thrilled about the idea of leaving everything she had ever known. That first afternoon back in our hotel room she actually smiled and giggled with me in front of the mirror - something attachment experts said might be months in coming. The only hint of the spunky personality that would later emerge was when we tried to bathe her. She'd never seen a bathtub and wasn't too excited about the idea. She quickly calmed down though and even let me cut those few long tufts of hair that had formed a ring around her head, making her look a bit like a little old man. I'd been waiting for months to get my scissors on those! Perhaps if I had known we'd be eating dinner with all of her nannies I would have held off for another day. Even with the language barrier I could tell that they all immediately noticed and were laughing and discussing it among themselves! Throughout that meal they all loved on Reagan a little more, and her primary care-giver, Luc, who had been so reluctant to place her in my arms earlier in the day, seemed like a changed woman. She kept Reagan close, but I actually saw her smile and laugh, and at the end say good-bye in a way that assured me she would be okay and maybe find a way to be happy for the new family we had become.

I look back now at photos of that day, and wonder at the way God chose that baby, in that town, at that time, to be our daughter. Only He knew that behind that content exterior would be a little girl of equal parts sweetness and independence, with a little fire thrown in for fun. It is still such an adventure watching her personality unfold, because it is, in so many ways, a mystery. I know what many of Alyssa's personal quirks will look like in 25 years because she is me. I have an idea of how Parker will mature because he is his daddy. Reagan is just her own little person, and both enjoying and molding her into the lady she will become is one of God's most amazing gifts. Happy Gotcha Day baby!

Have I mentioned what a great family I have?

Of course, I am incredibly blessed by my fabulous husband and wonderful kids, but beyond that I also have an incredible extended family and in-laws. They have all embraced Reagan as if she were blood, and have celebrated her homecoming with great enthusiasm. Since we really didn’t need a baby shower (3rd child, 2nd girl – we already had just about everything necessary), practical me intended to host an open house a few weeks after we got home just to introduce Reagan to everyone. However, my sister had other plans! Together with a few other family members and friends, she organized a surprise shower for us, complete with a Target money tree – how fun! I was too busy enjoying myself to take pictures, but I’ll testify that they did a beautiful job, complete with gorgeous roses and a real live tree to compliment our still-rather-bare yard. Since then we’ve had a great time at our favorite store buying some of the less-necessary but more-fun items for our new addition. Thank you to everyone who has made this non-traditional birth just as much of an event as a “normal” one. We are so blessed!

How Is Reagan?

That's a question I get a lot. The answer is, she is a sweet, happy baby, who seems everyday a little more like a natural part of our family. Basically, she’s very normal. “Normal” however, is a much more loaded term when you’re talking about an internationally adopted child. There is much discussion in the adoption world about attachment, but since it’s a much more intuitive process with biological children, I thought it might be helpful to see exactly what the experts consider to be signs of healthy attachment.
A well-attached child is…

• Joyful the majority of the time.
• Seeks out primary caregiver for comfort and to meet needs.
• Likes to be cradled and held facing primary caregiver.
• Makes good eye contact with primary caregiver and initiates eye contact--both close & distant proximity.
• When primary caregiver makes eye contact, the child smiles back, showing signs of being happy with the interaction.
• Smiles and exhibits pleasure when seeing self in the mirror.
• Frequently engages in playful interactions with primary caregiver (interactions initiated by both parent and child.)
• Uses different cries to alert primary caregiver of needs and wants; easily consoled by primary caregiver.
• Accepts limits placed by primary caregiver.
• Willingly allows primary caregiver to hold bottle, hand feed, and nurture.
• Melts into primary caregiver when held; lays head on shoulder; holds on when held; faces primary caregiver rather than away.
• Enjoys cuddling, hugs, and kisses given by primary caregiver and initiates cuddling, hugs, and kisses without wanting something in return.
• Can co-sleep without major difficulty.
• Prefers primary caregiver to all others.
• Imitates primary caregiver regularly (actions, language, etc.)
• Content to sit on primary caregiver’s lap or stay in primary caregiver’s arms for an age appropriate amount of time.
• Settles quickly when held by primary caregiver.
• Enjoys skin on skin contact.
• Prefers close proximity to primary caregiver but not in an anxious, desperate way.
• Consistently sleeps well and peacefully.
• Wants to please primary caregiver because he knows it will make his parent happy.
• Reacts appropriately to pain; wants primary caregiver to nurture him when in pain or sick; easily consoled.
• Uses food appropriately. Recognizes when hungry and full.
• Shows true personality to primary caregiver and family and friends (discovering a child’s innate personality takes time.)
• Initiates “sweet nothing” talk with primary caregiver.
• Shows appropriate stranger anxiety.
• Displays age appropriate anxiety at brief separation from primary caregiver but is able to be reassured.
• Reunites happily with primary caregiver with eye contact and physical contact.
• Show signs of feeling safe in social situations; able to play and interact with others, but stays close and checks in with primary caregiver regularly but not in an anxious or desperate way.
• Is gentle to self and others.
• Gets along with other children & siblings most of the time.
• Is okay with primary caregiver leaving the room for short periods of time. Conversely, cares that primary caregiver has left the room and shows happiness when that person returns.
• Speech/language skills are developing appropriately.
• Angry outbursts/tantrums are infrequent, short in duration. Parent can soothe child.
• “Normal” discipline methods/parenting techniques are effective.

Though we’re still more protective of Reagan than we were with Alyssa and Parker and keep her very close (especially in unfamiliar or chaotic environments), she truly demonstrates each of these 35 traits consistently. (Oh! I just noticed the "co-sleeping" one. That just is not going to happen in our house - no one would get any sleep - but she is happy to fall asleep on me).

Would I declare us “bonded!”? Maybe not in the fullest sense, but we’re well on our way!

I’m not normally a fan of novelty shirts...

However, I’ve found 3 recently that I just couldn’t pass up.

Though we waited almost two (at times agonizing!) years for our precious adopted daughter, Reagan was undoubtedly worth the wait. It still amazes me when I think about all the months I longed for a referral, when in fact she wasn’t even born yet. God clearly knew exactly which child was meant for our family, and He brought her to us in ways and times that we could have never imagined.

As a CPA and adoptive mother well acquainted with the federal adoption tax credit, as well as the other tax benefits of children, this one made me laugh. Of course, all the credits we could possibly be eligible for barely make a dent in our expenses, but of course, Reagan was worth the financial cost too!

But this is the best one of all. In case you can’t read the shirt, it says “All-American Sweetie.” Cute enough on its own, but the shirt (and the girl) were “Made in Vietnam!”

A letter from the President

No matter your opinion of George W. Bush (I personally am a fan), you have to love this letter that accompanied Reagan’s certificate of citizenship. It brought tears to my eyes and Dan’s…

Dear Fellow American:

I am pleased to congratulate you on becoming a United States citizen. You are now a part of a great and Blessed Nation. I know your family and friends are proud of you on this special day.

Americans are united across the generations by grand and enduring ideals. The grandest of these ideals is an unfolding promise that everyone belongs, that everyone deserves a chance, and that no insignificant person was ever born. Our country has never been united by blood or birth or soil. We are bound by principles that move us beyond our backgrounds, lift us above our interests, and teach us what it means to be citizens. Every citizen must uphold these principles. And every new citizen, by embracing these ideals, makes our country more, not less, American.

As you begin to participate fully in our democracy, remember that what you do is as important as anything government does. I ask you to serve your new Nation, beginning with your neighbor. I ask you to be citizens building communities of service and a Nation of character. Americans are generous and strong and decent not because we believe in ourselves, but because we hold beliefs beyond ourselves. When this spirit of citizenship is missing, no government program can replace it. When this spirit is present, no wrong can stand against it.

Welcome to the joy, responsibility, and freedom of American citizenship. God bless you, and God bless America.

Sincerely,
George W. Bush

Packing list

If you're not a prospective adoptive parent, you really won't care about this post. However, for those of you that might be travelling in the near (or even distant) future (congrats to Tricia, Jessica and Erin!), I thought it might be helpful to post my packing list. So, here it is, take it or leave it. I've put a "-" next to the things we didn't use, and a "+" next to the less intuitive items I'm very glad we brought. Note that most of the "didn't use" items are medications, which is just a reflection of the fact that, by God's grace, none of us got really sick. They don't take up much room, and I think I still would bring most of them again. Feel free to e-mail me if you have any questions! (momwholoveschrist@hotmail.com)

Medications
-Tylenol infant drops
-Motrin infant drops
-Benadryl (Children's)
-Baby Orajel
-Cradle Cap shampoo/medicine
Desitin
Robitussin infant drops
-Children’s saline spray
-Children’s gas relief drops
-Alavert
-Sudafed
-Afrin
Tylenol
-Advil PM
Anti-fungal cream
-Band-aids
+Pepto Bismol chew tablets
+Immodium
-Rolaids
-Monistat
-Cough drops
Neosporin
Eyedrops
Multi-vitamins
-Thermometer
Sunscreen
-Airborne
+Rx malaria meds
+Rx Xanax for plane and adjusting to time change

Snacks
-Peanut butter (we saw this in a grocery store)
+Balance bars (fabulous meal replacements in Ninh Thuan where our stomachs were a little "off")
-Nature Valley bars (available in Vietnam)
+Cashews
+Dried apricots
+Candy (to eat and to give)

Toiletries (all full size)
Shampoo & Conditioner
hair gel
ponytail holders
brush/comb
deodorant
small bag of make-up
moisturizer
face wash
nail scissors/file
toothpaste
toothbrushes
contact solution
contact cases
extra contacts
razors
Q-tips
Glasses
Feminine products
-Baby powder
Watch
Hairdryer
Haircutting scissors... I was just dying to get my hands on Reagan's long strays

Chapstick with SPF

Miscellaneous
Pillowcase (for the plane)
Washcloths in ziplocks (to freshen up on the plane)
Money pouch (one each)
Tide individual laundry packets
-Travel size Oust
+bug spray & wipes (we didn't use it often, but were glad to have it on a few occcasions)
+tissues - travel size (for squatty potties)
+hand sanitizer
+Ziplock storage baggies (all sizes)
+Lap top
+Skype (purchase minutes in the US)
+Skype headset
+Cell phone (to call family in airport when we got home)
Adapter (necessary in Hanoi but not elsewhere)
Camera, extra batteries, extra memory, USB cord, battery charger (I wish I would have brought blank CDs to back up my photos, though it's quite cheap to do it in HCMC)

Web cam
Video camera, extra tapes, charger
-Calculator (the exchange is pretty easy to do in your head: 100,000 dong = $6.25)
Pencils/pen
-Dryer sheets
-Tide to Go pen
-Sponge
Books
Bible/notebook
+Earplugs (came in very handy on the plane seated next to a snorer!)

Paperwork/Documents
(ALL CARRY-ON! Plus copy for checked luggage)
Passports
I-171H's
Original, notarized home study
Copy of dossier
Copies of Reagan’s legal papers
I-864 & I-600
W2’s & 1040’s from past 3 years
Phone#, Fax# & Email to all agency/contacts/travel agents, etc
Copies of credit/debit cards & non-800 customer service numbers (call ahead to alert them you'll be using them in Vietnam)
Email, phone #’s of family & friends

We actually didn't need any of these documents, but it was still good to have them.

Clothes: Laura
1 dress
2 pair pants
10 t-shirts/tanks
3 skirts (these were very comfortable in the heat)
2 pair of pj's
-1 light jacket
3 pairs flip flops
+2 pair crocs (the BEST shoes for walking, especially in the rain when flip-flops were slippery)
-swimsuit (we didn't swim: jellyfish in the ocean, algae in the pool)
underwear/bras/socks (as many as I could fit)

Clothes: Dan
2 pairs shorts
2 pair cargo pants
3 t-shirts
3 button-down shirts/polos
-1 light jacket
+1 pair Crocs
-1 pair sneakers
2 pair pajama pants
undershirts/underwear/socks (as many as I could fit)
-swimsuit
belt
hat

Baby stuff
2 Bottles
Bottle brush (wish I would have brought a little dishwashing soap)
100 bottle drop-in liners (only used about 50)
Baby carrier and sling (Baby Bjorn was great!)
Plastic backed bibs
Baby wipes (lots!)
-20 American-strength diapers (unnecessary because you can even get Huggies in Vietnam)
-5 Swim diapers
-2 Pacifiers (Reagan prefers her hands and a silky blanket I brought)
Cheerios
Poly-V-Sol vitamin drops (Reagan didn't appear to be anemic or otherwise malnourished)
-Baby toothbrush/toothpaste (Reagan has no teeth)
Lact-aid (I am trying to breastfeed)
4 cloth diapers/burp clothes
-3 lap pads
+2 Blankets
+Small toys/books
5 Onesies
7 Pajamas
7 Outfits/dresses
6 Socks
-Swimsuit
Baby lotion
Baby shampoo
Changing pad
Formula dispenser
Baby photo album of home/family

Money
$240 in twenties
$60 in ones
$700 in hundreds (total $1000 cash, we came home with $350)
-2 ATM cards (we didn't use them, but might have if we were in Vietnam longer)
+2 Major credit cards (accepted almost everywhere)

Gifts

Orphanage Donations:
Toothpaste
All age clothing
Toys without batteries
Stuffed animals
Children’s gummy vitamins
Crayons
+Candy (it was really fun to have little candies to pass out at the orphanage, as well as just about everywhere else we stopped and interacted with the local people. Even adults approached us to ask for a lolipop!)

Orphanage Caretakers gifts:
Framed picture of Reagan
Jewelry (women)
Watches (men)
+Gift bags, tissue and ribbon
I wish I would have brought one special gift for the nanny responsible for Reagan.

Dillon Staff:
Thomas: family board game
Minh: Size M short-sleeved dress shirt
Phuong: watch
Thinh: watch

All of this fit into 3 rolling duffel bags (one each for Dan and I, one just for orphanage donations and gifts), and 2 carry-ons. We didn't feel like we had too much luggage, nor did we feel like we did without anything. We did laundry once ($8 for a suitcase-full at a local laundromat in HCMC) and would have had to do it once more if we stayed another week. Coming home, all of our souviners fit into the orphanage donation bag.