Three Times A Mom

It’s funny, after all this waiting I’m not all that anxious to leave for Vietnam. In some respects I’m very excited. I know that our union with Reagan will be like nothing I’ve ever experienced. I’ve dreamed about it for so long that it’s hard to fathom that just a week from today she will be ours forever. I have no doubt that we will look back on this time with wonder and joy.
However, I am going to pieces trying to prepare myself for the fact that I won’t get hold Alyssa and Parker for three whole weeks. I’ve been packed for a while, so I’ve really been able to spend the last week focused on enjoying them. Which is a good thing… mostly. The hard part about that is, I’ve had lots of time to contemplate just how much I’m going to miss them. They are such a joy to be around. We laugh together, play, learn (Alyssa learned how to ride a bike this week – no training wheels! - more about that later), shop, eat, cuddle, just hang out. The longest I’ve ever been away from them is four days. Since I don’t work outside the home and neither of them are in school, we’re together a lot. And I love it! Of course at times parenting is hard. They’re not perfect, but I (unbiased as I am) think that they are very well behaved, kind, thoughtful kids.

I’m not normally an especially emotional person, but I’ve barely been able to hold it together any time I’ve kissed or held or even smelled them lately. Dan had a good insight on this: He said that our time away will just make us appreciate them more. I can already see that he is right. I have treasured every little moment this week. I’ve taken more pictures, more video, spent more time putting them to bed, turned the music off in the car just to talk. Things I should do all the time, but neglect when I start to take them for granted.
I’ve not doubted that leaving them here is the right choice for our family. In my head, I’m confident that they will be better off here, Reagan will be better served with them here, and even I will enjoy Vietnam more with them here. But my heart hasn’t gotten the message. I’m hoping and praying that in a few days I’ll be so wrapped up in my new daughter that the pain of missing Alyssa and Parker will lessen. I know that God is in control. I am confident that this is His plan for us. I have no doubt He will sustain me and cause me to trust in Him even more through the final steps of this trust-inducing process. I also believe that He loves and cares for my children even more than I do. He’ll take care of us and them, but I know that more than a few tears will be shed. This just isn’t what I’ve always imagined this time would feel like.